God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
