And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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