she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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