Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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