Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
