Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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