Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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