I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
