i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
