dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
