well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
