A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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