READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
