Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
