i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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