I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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