I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
