New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
