and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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