i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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