Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize