I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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