I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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