WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
