I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
