you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Randomize
