Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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