So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
