I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think your dad took our porno
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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