Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
