ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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