somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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