The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
