Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
