she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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