Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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