She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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