this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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