YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
