You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
