do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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