Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
