oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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