Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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