the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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