just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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