If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
