I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
