a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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