My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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