The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
