She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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