Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
