Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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