did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
