I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
