For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
