It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
