remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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