i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
