Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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