I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
