I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
