He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
