strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
