If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The best revenge is premature balding
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
